REPENTANCE

Loving Father,

It has been months since I last talked to You. I know...I know... But still, I went on. I was and still am spiritually dry. I am confused...lost.
Through it all, never was there an instant that I knew You're just beside me. But still, I went on.
I was up yet down, happy yet discontented, assured yet insecure. But still, I went on.
I did good, obeyed, conquered and I still prayed and have faith. I failed, fell, was hurt, disappointed and still hoped... and went on.
Then I fell hard and paused and couldn't go on. Stop! I heard my heart telling me to stop and listen to the voice inside that has always been fighting to be noticed. The voice prompting me to stop and think and appreciate and ask forgiveness and forgive and trust...and gather myself. And it didn't take me a minute nor a second to realize that that voice belongs to You.
I was in denial. Convinced myself that all will be well effortlessly. I prayed. Yes! I did but was it really a prayer or a request? I appreciated. But was it really appreciation or simply relief that I survived for a moment?
I'm sorry, Father. I'm so sorry..

Your Daughter,

FAREWELL AND REST IN PEACE, KA ERDIE!

Heavenly Father,

We trust Your will. Please take care of Ka Erdy. We lost a great leader but never will we lose the teachings of Your church through him and Ka Felix. Comfort every Iglesia Ni Cristo mourning the death of our guide. He's with You now. I know he is...

Always,

I'LL ALWAYS BE YOUR DISCIPLE

Almighty Father,

No matter what happens... Your disciple stands by her word. I love You...

GREAT PROVIDER

Dear Father,

I know in my heart that You never fail to suffice the needs of Your children. Your provision may not come on the time we think we need it, but it comes just when we thought we have nothing to shed.

Please help us with our expenses, dear Lord. James has always been the best instrument of Your provision and I feel that he never seizes to look for opportunities to support our family. I pray for new developments on James' departure for Holland. Please take care of him while he's far away from us. Kindly hug him for us. By Your loving presence, let him feel the depth of my love for him. Please Father... I draw strength from him. Please take care of him..

Please guide Jhaymee. She loves You. I offer her to You, Lord. Spare her from the unnecessary circumstances that may slowly unfold as she journeys into this world. May we share a higher level of closeness than what I and Mama have without losing the respect a mother deserves. I love her so much...

Help me with my personal relationship with Mama. We are so different in traits yet so alike in the love and care we have for each other. I know that, I know that..

May all these experiences humble and at the same time encourage me to hang on and live my life Your way. Thank you once again for the abundant blessings. Forgive my trespasses. Increase my faith. I lift up every little thing that bothers me, worries me... to Your will I surrender..

Yours,

MORE WORDS OF THANKS

Dear Father,

Thank you for bringing back James safe last April 3. Things were a bit different in a positive way. We were happier. More secure. Closer. I wouldn't say everything was perfect. We had episodes of misunderstandings. I came to realize that even at this point in time, we still have so much to learn as a couple, as parents, as individuals.
James is leaving for Holland soon. Another opportunity, another blessing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Forgive me, us for our shortcomings. Continue to be with us. Good health foe everyone. I love you, Father.

Your Loving Daughter,

THANK YOU AND A MILLION MORE...

Loving Father,

A lot of things happened since the last time I wrote to You. Life itself continues to surprise me with its complexities. I should say it wasn't that easy battling w/ what I've gone through nor was it easy to stay strong for both James and me. But one thing I am most certain of, that You have my loyalty. I admit I was on the verge of giving up. After a rather good development on James' situation, another disappointing turn of event happens. Well' that's life. That's Your will. And I'm not in the position to question them but I have all the right reasons to thank You for everything.

Since March 4, there were days, a lot so tomention, that I stare blankly at the monitor of my pc trying to squeeze some words out to write, to tell You...I was stupid to have let my feelings overwhelm me. I found myself typing ang deleting and typing and..deleting. And now, the month is almost over and this has just been my 2nd post. Forgive me, Father. I am not ready for another battle, Lord. But if Your will is for me to to go out and face another one, please continue to strengthen me.

We are still hoping that James comes home safe. Hear my prayers, Father..please..

Your Daughter,

I COUDN'T ASK FOR MORE...

Loving Father,

Our deepest thanks for all Your greatness. Too much has been received and every little blessing we're counting. These experiences inspires us..especially me. James might be coming home on the 8th. We still have lots to consider since we haven't gotten the salary yet. Next week is the promised time for the release of the long awaited delayed sum. It is not everyhing though the realization of some plans depends on the said money. We are hoping for the best since we could be going back to Cavite. With fervent prayers, we trust that You will never forsake us. I love You, Lord.
Last Sunday, I attended Sta. Cena. In my 3 years of being a member of the Church of Christ, I never felt that rush..that overwhelming feeling as the taste of that piece of bread and a small amount of wine lingered in my mouth. You know that, Father. I know You were there. I knew that was Your embrace that made me shiver with intense blessedness. I felt that, Father. I knew that that very moment is my moment with You. I was trembling with anticipation for that chance You have given me to cleanse myself, surrender to You more..I had no sleep the night before that. I was restless. Not because I had too much thinking about our situation but because I was at the peak of my excitement to participate in that memorable event...
I pray, Lord, that James be blessed with the same feeling. That I-am-loved-and-cleansed-because-Jesus-died-for-me feeling..
May You bless James' family. I may not be the person they think James' deserve for a wife but as long as I have his word that I am his life..Jhaymee and I are his family..and that he stands by the vows we made on July 28,2007, I have nothing all the reason to feel secure. I am the person, the woman, the wife James deserves. Thank You for giving him to me.
Bless my family, too. Good health for my Lola Simplicia who turned 84 last Monday. More years for her to share w/ her children, grandchildren, greatgrandshildren...
Bless Babo. May he find the happiness he deserves. Bless him with wisdom in every decision he makes..
Bless Mama Nanz, Bet and Irene, Bikay and Caeh. Bless the Gonzales'. Bless everyone.
Continue to guide our little family, Lord. Increase our faith. Help us to be good examples to Jhaymee and may she grow up to be the follower, the disciple You want her to be. May she uphold the values she will learn in church, school, in life..
Jesus, please intercede and help us with our prayers.
Thank You, Father. My faith is in You. Strengthen me...

Love,

WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR...

My Lord,

All praises to You!!! The news James told me just now brought so much relief. Indeed, You work in wondrous ways. Mr. Al Sarraf paid Mr. Hout and the latter is processing the payment for the salary balances according to a co-worker of James assigned in France. We're expecting it on "Week 11" as stated by Mr Junie.
We are weighing our options on a job offer for James, too. Thank You so mch, Father...
The best part of it all..James is coming home. Finally, Jhaymee and I will get to hug James again. We've been waiting for this to come. I can't thank You enough, Lord. Thank You...Thank You..Thank You for opening a window.=)

Grateful,

GOOD HEALTH FOR MY WEALTH

Loving Father,

The glory is all Yours. James is feeling better. After being confined in the 4 corners of his bedroom since Wednesday last week because of chickenpox, he'll be back to work tomorrow. Their situation with Mr Hout hasn't gone better but no reason to complain and many reasons to celebrate...what goes up must come down and no power is greater than Yours. In Your time, Lord.
Jhaymee, on the other hand, is struggling with her asthma. Aside from giving her the medication to help her breathe normally, I know that trusting You will take care of my her. She has been calling James' name since her asthma attack. They haven't seen each other for a number of days now 'coz James couldn't go down to the office to use the pc. She misses her daddy a lot. Soon..soon...I always tell her that. I know You are hearing her prayers..our prayers.
James and Jhaymee are my only wealth, Father. Pls take care of them..pls..

Yours,

NOTHING AND BEYOND...

Loving Father,

Is there much more to nothing?
I didn't want to start ths post on a negative note. Neither did I expect it to be. Maybe I'm just having one of those anxiety attacks. Maybe I'm just being too emotional. Maybe I've lost patience again. Maybe I'm starting to lose faith..not in You..but in the neverending promises of PBE. Maybe I'm just weary of holding on to that inch of hope that they will soon fulfill their financial obligatins to hubs and many others. But what if...they're just as thoughtless as we see them?
I am not questioning Your will, My Lord. I firmly believe that Your power compares to no one's and that You will never ever let anything unpleasant happen to us unless we deserve it. I am asking for mercy, Father. I am powerless in this situation. Arm me with confidence that Mr Hout provide the much needed..well-deserved pending salary. Gear me with patience that I'd learn to waitfor the fulfillment of every word he gave. Prepare me for every single battle I will face if those promises will result to nothing..And most of all, supply me with understanding for James that I would always consider his stand on this matter.
Protect us from harm and good health for everyone.

Ardently Praying,

YOUR GIFTS...

Dear Father,

I was writing about my other half while I was chatting w/ him 2 days ago when he told me he was reading my blog that same time. I was on the 2nd paragraph of my composition that time. With conscious effort, I tried using the best words my vocabulary permits, the most expressive lines to convey the complex language of the heart. Hehe...the truth? I want to impress him. Eventually though, I ended up deleting the content. Those things may be true and James knows them, but this space is for You. =)
The glory is Yours, Father. I owe my life to You. Jhaymee, James, my family and friends...even those who are not, These beautiful people have brought so much color to my world. Life w/ its ups and downs is one remarkable adventure w/ their presence.
James, upon reading my blog, uttered one line "tni dasun positive naman" ("Hope You'll be writing 'bout positive things next time"). That struck me..hard! Through all our experiences, this man never fails to open my eyes through his unpremeditated judgements to appreciate simple things. True that he is insensitive most of the time but I give him the well deserved credit for his modest approach to every occasion whether it be hurtful or just. Same as You are, he is my paperweight...stops me from scattering and make myself whole and ready for life's lessons.
Another representation of Your immense love is my daughter, Jhaymee. Like her father, she's my strength in struggling times, my purpose when I feel useless. She's a big girl now. She does things that amaze me and lift our (mine and James') spirits up. Her every word is my comfort, her smile my hope, her hug my refuge, her kiss my peace. You work in her, Father. I know You do 'coz she is Your instrument, her tiny body Your temple..
Thank you so much. I praise You for these gifts, for every person I meet and know for through them You have demonstrated Your unfading love for me. I love You, Lord..

Always,

I'M HOLDING ON...

Loving Father,

Everything's been like a roller coaster ride since I last wrote here. I know that Your are aware of the details and I praise You for the affection You gave me..us.
James and his co-workers are still in Kuwait. We have received 1/4 of the delayed salary and I'm aware that that's one of Your many wondrous ways to show us You're always around. We are waiting for Mr Hout's next move. James mentioned that Mr Hout has been processing the salaries of those employees assigned in Egypt and the others since Mr Al Sarraf has paid him the amount He, for so long, gave as the reason for the delay. Hopefully, by the 15th we will be hearing good news. James said that the balance of their salaries will be given on the said date. If that doesn't happen, they will be coming home with no choice left. Please help us with this ordeal, Father. We badly need this.
On the 23rd, Bbet's inviting us to Jillian's birthday. I'm not sure if we're going. A lot of things has been bothering me lately.
I'm at a loss for words again..I don't know what to say anymore. You know everything, Almighty Father. I surrender myself to You alone. I succumb to Your will. Hear me, Father. Help me...I'm trying to be strong..for Jhaymee..for James. I'm holding on...

Love,

Loving Father,

Thank you for letting e stumble upon this article...

What is Love?
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend overand paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love." Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross."Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
And there was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
"When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need."

Yours,

HAVE MERCY...

Loving Father,

I'm tired..sooo tired. My exhaustion is weakening me..consuming me. Please help me. Please hug me..comfort me. Help me focus. Don't let me fall. Don't let me give in to pessimism. You know me more than anybody else does. Increase my faith. Be my strength...Please Father... I'm on my knees... My heart wants to stop beating. My mind refuses to think wisely. My eyes ran out of tears... I'm numb. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm drowning in my confusion. i'm lost..I'm lost..Embrace Your daughter..Father, I'm begging You. Pls have mercy...pls...

Pleading,

I TRUST YOUR WILL...

Loving father,

You know our current situation. I do trust though that You never fail to to show me what's best. I may not understand Your reasons but I never doubt that everything's for the best.
I pray for enlightenment for Mr. Reynald Hout. That he may come to realize that his employees work for their families and that they invested too much hardwork for his company. May he take in consideration the welfare of his people. May he realize that prosperity comes to those who are compassionate. May he understand that You made him the steward of his company.
I pray for wisdom for Mr. Al Sarraf. May his decisions towards the current situation w/ Mr. Hout and the filipino workers be fair enough for both parties.
I pray for compassion for Mr. Steve. May he pursue w/ the promises made to the filipino workers.
And I pray for our family. Please continue to be in our midst. Good health for eveyone despite all these. Please strengthen both James and me. Help us fix our eyes on You. Increase our faith, dear God. Keep us safe.
Thank You for making Jhaymee well. Thank You for making Your presence felt. Thank You...

Trusting,

HAPPY 64TH BIRTHDAY PAPA...

Loving Father,

People say I look exactly like him. Pictures show our obvious similarities. My heart claims I am part of him. And I proudly affirm that Carlos A. Gonzales, Sr. is my father.
Losing him have certain consequences in the way I grew up. There will always be things a daughter can only share comfortably to her father. I don't confide to Mama that much, I never did. Not because i don't trust her but simply because I'm not used to. But You, My Lord, complete every empty space there is to fill in in my life.
We celebrated his birthday. Mama bought lechon manok, crispy pata, and sotanghon for dinner. Babo called to, in one way or another, join the celebration. Manang Neng had dinner w/ us.
We miss him..I miss him. I know that Papa is in Your care. Please hug him for me and for the whole family. Tell him that no matter how little the memories he left in my memory in the 4 yrs he was w/ us physically, he stays in my heart. I hope that he is proud of what his children has become..I love him so much...

Always,

REACHING OUT...

My Lord,

The year 2008 brought learning experiences for me to ponder on. Not everything may be memorable but each and every lesson has their own significant contribution that arms me in facing the challenges of the new year. As I journey through life, i am truly certain that Your presence will continually be felt. This blog is one of the many ways there is to surrender myself to Your will, to thank You for Your providence and to ask mercy for my shortcomings as Your daughter.
I love you, Father. Please hear the prayers of Your disciple...

Faithfully Yours,